REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES SCRAMBLE FOR KOCH MONEY

ASPEN, CO---Ambitious conservative candidates are eagerly awaiting the upcoming yield of an Americans For Prosperity fundraiser. The right-wing Super PAC is holding an event to raise donations for like-minded politicians at a posh ski chalet in Aspen, Colorado. Although the weather is a bit warm to do any serious skiing, the lavish parties and high stakes money have the full attention of politicians-- all hoping for a slice of the Americans for Prosperity money pie. More accurately, (whether it's Charles or David) everyone wants Koch. 

"It's always good to have a little white powder to take the edge off. But nobody came here to ski. They can't even blow any snow up here this time of year. There's no snow and no blow at all. So the entire focus is the fundraiser and getting our hands on some Koch money," said Paul Ryan, a Republican Congressman from Wisconsin. "But this mountain air smells fantastic. It's pure nose candy." 

Throughout the fundraising weekend, there has been no official sighting of the brothers Koch. Without question, they are the rockstars everyone has come to see. Yet they are no where to be found. Even still, there is no shortage of the brothers' quotes being tossed around. In spite of their absence, the brothers are arguably the most quoted fellows at the conference.

Texas Governor Rick Perry commented, "it's like nobody has their own views on anything this weekend. Just lines of Koch all the time. You go into one room... it's lines of Koch. You go into another room... more lines of Koch. Doesn't anybody have anything original to say? Hey, are any of you reporters holding?"

It's no surprise, really. When Charles and David speak, candidates and political action committee members alike become giddy school children. This is especially true when David enters a room. There have been reports of increased heart rates and elevations in blood pressure from Koch. Some experience a high rate of breathing and intense feelings of euphoria.

Scott Walker Likes the Energy He Gets From Koch.

The article continues here.

THE 20 VERY BEST VIRAL VIDEOS IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET

There are a trillion billion zillion videos on the Internet today, according to the six-year-old statistician we have on staff.  That's just eleventy less than totes infinity.  The point being, there is a tremendous amount of competition out there.  So making Joke Grenade's TWENTY BEST VIRAL VIDEOS OF ALL TIME is truly a remarkable feat.  Without further ado, the winners:

20. AFRO NINJA

Nunchucks toting Hollywood stuntman Mark Hicks can't stick the landing... and it makes him famous.  An impressive backflip and skilled nunchucks display was the goal for this audition.  Instead, he knocks himself silly. But he still gets the part!



19. CHARLIE BIT MY FINGER

This is YouTube's most-viewed video of all time. This British baby chewing and gnawing on the finger of his brother made the entire Internet fall in love.  "You bit me, Charlie."  In show business, you never work with animals or children.  Just upload them to the web and cash-in instead.  How many times did you watch it?

18. SNEEZING BABY PANDA

Cute, Chinese-owned momma and baby pandas at the zoo.  It's so American!  Baby panda sneezes and scares the daylights out of Momma panda.  It's so adorable it became a YouTube sensation! God Bless America!  


17. DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK

You've seen him waterskiing in Anchorman.  And now you've seen his dramatic acting range.  The Dramatic Chipmunk is actually a prairie dog, believe it or not.  And my, how the people love him.


16. OTTERS HOLDING HANDS

More Animals! It's unbelievable how much you people love this crap.  This time, it's a video that went viral about sea otters.  They hold hands, float around, take naps together and do disgustingly cute things the whole time.  How disgustingly cute is it, you may wonder?  Over 20,000,000 hits worth of disgustingly cute.

15. CHARLIE THE UNICORN

Animator Jason Steele created this classic that earned an instant cult following.  It is a wonderful story about "trusting" your friends.  To better relate to this video, it is especially helpful if you believe in Candy Mountain, mythical creatures and kidney theft. 

14. EXPLODING WHALE

It's 1970.  You're a member of the Oregon Highway Patrol.  You decide to blow up a dead whale on the beach.  It's going to be captured on film.  Whale guts explode all over the place and make a giant, sickening mess on the sand.  The Internet falls in love the disaster.  It is a match made in heaven.  Everyone lives happily ever-after.  The End.

13. SHINING

The real movie The Shining scared the piss out of all of us.  But Shining repositions the horror classic into a romantic-comedy complete with a Peter Gabriel musical accompaniment.  In this comedic gem, the best parts are all in the previews.

12. DAFT HANDS

It's double-fisted, finger-flicking fun! Daft Punks' "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" song and a black Sharpie are all you need to make a wildly popular YouTube video.  So get to work.  

11. WHERE THE HELL IS MATT?

Matt Harding did the "silly boogie" in travel spots all over the world.  And it landed him sponsorships with Stride and Visa.  That boy has got the jimmy legs.

10. ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

The atrocious Japanese-to-English translation of the video game Zero Wing gave the world wide web the techno-remixed "All Your Base Are Belong to Us."  And it was good!

9. DAVID AFTER DENTIST

Young David Devore got a tooth removed at the dentist.  His "doped up" ride home is documented by his father.  And the online community found little David's intoxicated quotes, well... intoxicating.  Result: instant classic.

8. GRAPE LADY FALLS

We're sick bastards.  We love to watch people fall down and get hurt.  In this video classic, a local news reporter falls on her face while stomping grapes during a live newscast.  She moans and groans in pain while the anchors back in the studio never seem to be too concerned for her welfare.  It's one part slip-n-fall / one part social commentary on local news.  And this makes "Grape Girl" truly timeless.

THE LIST CONTINUES HERE.

MOST PEOPLE STILL THINK GENOCIDE IS FUCKED UP, A GALLUP POLL FINDS

An overwhelming majority of the citizens in most countries around the world still think genocide is a really bad way of solving a nation's problems, according to a new poll.
The strong distaste for mass murder fell two points to 91% disapproval worldwide, a new Gallup Poll found.

Despite the small dip in disapproval, the results indicate that death remains an invalid option to end grievances between ethnic groups. More than half of survey respondents said they would be less inclined to fully support a dictator who believed genocide to be a useful tactic in a government's role in conflict resolution. 

Full Results of the Poll:
-54% say genocide is extremely fucked-up
-37% say genocide is mostly fucked-up
-05% say genocide is not that fucked-up
-04% of people actually have no opinion on this matter

The globally-conducted poll of 10,000 adults has a margin of error of plus or minus 4.2 percentage points. Nineteen respondents in six separate countries were abruptly put to death after their participation in the poll. 

Meanwhile, a new Rasmussen International Poll finds that when "ethnic cleansing" is used to describe the act of genocide, more people tend to warm to it.

The poll results, gathered randomly from 1,000 adult participants in Rwanda, show that only 89% have an unfavorable view of mass killings when it is described in a more appealing light.

One other recently-conducted poll attempted to further examine attitudes toward injustice. A Quinnipiac University Poll surveyed 1,000 randomly-selected and likely-to-vote U.S. adults and asked the question, "is it dicked-up to invade a sovereign nation?"

-26% say it's always dicked-up
-48% say only dicked-up if other countries do it
-18% say never dicked-up if any country does it
-08% are undecided

Margin of error: +/-6%

Most Americans don't like other countries flexing their muscles, but have little problem when their own nation flexes theirs, said Tim Malloy, assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Poll. He continued...

The article continues here.

White Ass Louis C.K. on Black Jeopardy

With the topics like "PSSSHH!" and "It's Been a Minute," how could Louis C.K. lose this one?

A RETURN TO THE CLASSICS

This is one of the best of all time... 

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

Big Ol' Bag of Funny Available at:

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12 FUNNY PICS ADDED TO JOKE GRENADE GALLERIES

THE BAD TASTE BOOK CLUB:

A great historical book for kids about how
 Jesus tamed the dinosaurs.

This book will change your life for a whole
week before you begin to revert back to old habits.

Popcorn! Ketchup! Almost Everything Else!
This book illustrates the evils of fresh vegetables.

An uplifting book about how time is precious.

After reading this, I'm still not sure what it's about.

Really good information if your child is showing
 signs of being a piece of shit.



THE KITCHEN SINK GALLERY:

Tweet Us Your Bone-In Banana Pics.

Thank you for doing me a solid, Mr. Perfect!

Living Large on the Travelocity pension.

…Plays with similar ability.

Everyone loves a slinky!

Labia Lockdown!


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OTHER NEWS-WORTHY WORLD EVENTS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 370 STORY

THE WORLD--- With CNN and other cable news networks providing around-the-clock coverage of missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, this news source has deemed it necessary to report on major national and world events currently being under-covered. As the world continues to turn, three stories steal the limelight back from the missing plane: Obama sends special forces to find Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony; both parties' politically-tweaked Affordable Care Act statistics confuse the masses; NCAA March Madness sweeps the country. At no point in this article will there be any news updates on the missing Malaysian jet liner. 

President Obama is boosting efforts to find and bring warlord Joseph Kony to justice in Uganda. Special forces and as many as four Osprey aircraft have been deployed to the region. Tracking Kony's whereabouts has proven difficult since communication has been lost and Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 stopped transmitting information. Investigators are still unsure if the flight remained on course to Beijing or if it changed its plotted course. Malaysian military radar indicates the flight abruptly changed direction and is now believed to be down in the southern Indian Ocean. 

In the debate over the effectiveness of the Affordable Care Act, both Republicans and Democrats offer very differing "facts" on the new law's success. Speaker John Boehner and company are arguing there has been an overall net loss of insured Americans, where as Democrats claim Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 made an intentional  u-turn before total contact was lost with the plane. One theory is that the 444 pounds of Lithium Ion batteries on board may have filled the lungs of crew members and passengers with a poisonous gas. 

Sunday night in NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament action, two number-one seeds coasted into the Sweet 16 as Malaysian authorities reported that the once vanished Flight 370 is believed to have "ended" in the Indian Ocean. Top-seeded University of Virginia shot 56% from the floor as guard Joe Harris scored 16 points. Harris said, "everything was going in. The basket seemed enormous, a lot like the search radius for missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. It was a great team effort." 

THIS ARTICLE CONTINUES HERE:

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Deceased Mexican Cartel Leader Who Was Killed, May Be Dead Again… For the Third or Fourth Time

MEXICO CITY--- The Mexican government confirmed last week that Nazario Moreno Gonzalez, leader of the Knights Templar Cartel, was killed in a two-day gun battle with Federal authorities. Moreno had been declared 'not-alive' by Mexican authorities once before, after a gun fight supposedly left him dead in 2010. But all of that news is soooo last week. The latest from Mexico now is that Nazario Moreno may, in fact, be dead again today--for the third time. 

"The Craziest One," as Moreno is known, had ran the cartel as a quasi-religious cult that brought (in their own words) "social justice" to the farmlands of Michoacan. The Knights Templar Cartel is a major trafficker of methamphetamine to the United States. In addition to meth, the cartel extorts money from local communities on goods like vegetables and tortillas. Moreno has served simultaneously as cartel "capo" and martyred folk legend since his first death in 2010.

All of this "dying more-than-once" talk reminds us of the 1991 film Dead Again, starring Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson. Man, that was a really great movie... and underrated too.

Anyhoo, back to the news story...

It turns out the "Craziest One" wasn't killed in 2010. Even more bizarre, the drug lord had been spotted since his supposed demise last week. In fact, the latest from Mexico is that Nazario "El Chayo" Moreno Gonzalez has died in a fiery car crash as recently as this morning.

During a high speed chase, the Mexican military used a bomb taped to rocket-propelled roller skates to reach and blow up the vehicle carrying Moreno. The Marines had to resort to the roller skate scheme after an earlier plan failed to drop an anvil onto the cartel capo's head. The Mexican government intends to sue the Acme Corporation.

So for a third time, the Mexican government is officially announcing the death of Nazario "El Chayo" Moreno Gonzalez. Dental records confirmed the body in custody was the cartel leader. "It's over... again," said Alejandro Poire, a spokesman for Federal Government Security.

Breaking News: Nazario Moreno Gonzalez has just been killed outside of Mexico City. Although details are still sketchy at this time, the reported cause of death is lightning strike. It is unclear whether or not the Mexican government was involved.

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Patton Oswalt's Two-Part Tweets and 4 New Images From the KITCHEN SINK GALLERY

Comedian Patton Oswalt is no stranger to walking the fine line of decency.  In the summer of 2013,  he sent out two-part jokes from his Twitter account.  When both tweets are read together, the result is a socially-conscience, (politically left-leaning,) overall positive message.  When these "two-part" jokes are read individually, as stand-alone tweets, the yield is some of the most offensive speech in the history of the Twittersphere.  The tweets stirred up quite a bit of controversy.  But the funniest stuff usually does.  As an homage to the ground-breaking comedian, we've re-posted the series of tweets here…

We leave you with 4 new additions to the Kitchen Sink Gallery:

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PUTIN'S RESPONSE TO GLOBAL CRITICISM ON UKRAINE: "CRI-ME-A RIVER, LITTLE GIRLIE MAN."

KIEV, UKRAINE--- Pro-Russian leadership in Crimea swiftly moved to be "annexed" by their bigger and stronger Mother Russia - a move that many in the new Ukranian government see as highly illegal.  President Obama and a U.S. delegation met Vladimir Putin and Russian authorities for face-to-face discussions in Ukraine's capital city of Kiev.  The meeting, originally scheduled in a luxury hotel suite, was moved to a giant meat locker after high-tech audio surveillance equipment was detected.

Once lawmakers in Crimea "speed-voted" to merge with the Russian Federation on Wednesday, the United States jumped into hyper-drive to organize an impromptu "summit."  The discovery of the "bugging" equipment sent both sides heading for the exits, until a White House staff member suggested the alternate meeting space.  After much reluctance, the Russian President finally agreed to throw on a jacket and get into the walk-in freezer with President Obama.     

The two-man summit in the freezer, while promising at first, ultimately ended at an impasse after only three hours.  Each side,  while wishing for vastly different rezonings of the Ukraine, Crimea and Russian borders, refused to come together in the spirit of compromise.  Here is a look at the United States' more-than-reasonable remapping proposal…

United States Rezoning of the Ukraine:

President Obama ended the talks, "supremely frustrated" after Putin's counter-offer to the U.S. proposal to rezone.  Here is Putin's counter offer…

The Russian Plan:

Secretary of State John Kerry, who was in nearby Crimea, was asked if the President's trip could be viewed as a failure.  The secretary said, "No, not entirely.  The talks maybe didn't pan out… but the Black Sea Peninsula is absolutely breath-taking this time of year. It is our opinion that a 'push' is a win." 

Hope is not entirely lost for a peaceful resolution.  Just hours after the busted summit, Putin reached out to Obama via satellite phone.  The new offer on the table is for Obama to come to Russia to ride horses bare-chested and re-open negotiations…

Finish the article at www.JOKEGRENADE.com and participate in a discussion on the topic: Homosexuality is Illegal in Russia; Riding Horses Half-Naked with a Man is Macho.