OTHER NEWS-WORTHY WORLD EVENTS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT 370 STORY

THE WORLD--- With CNN and other cable news networks providing around-the-clock coverage of missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, this news source has deemed it necessary to report on major national and world events currently being under-covered. As the world continues to turn, three stories steal the limelight back from the missing plane: Obama sends special forces to find Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony; both parties' politically-tweaked Affordable Care Act statistics confuse the masses; NCAA March Madness sweeps the country. At no point in this article will there be any news updates on the missing Malaysian jet liner. 

President Obama is boosting efforts to find and bring warlord Joseph Kony to justice in Uganda. Special forces and as many as four Osprey aircraft have been deployed to the region. Tracking Kony's whereabouts has proven difficult since communication has been lost and Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 stopped transmitting information. Investigators are still unsure if the flight remained on course to Beijing or if it changed its plotted course. Malaysian military radar indicates the flight abruptly changed direction and is now believed to be down in the southern Indian Ocean. 

In the debate over the effectiveness of the Affordable Care Act, both Republicans and Democrats offer very differing "facts" on the new law's success. Speaker John Boehner and company are arguing there has been an overall net loss of insured Americans, where as Democrats claim Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 made an intentional  u-turn before total contact was lost with the plane. One theory is that the 444 pounds of Lithium Ion batteries on board may have filled the lungs of crew members and passengers with a poisonous gas. 

Sunday night in NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament action, two number-one seeds coasted into the Sweet 16 as Malaysian authorities reported that the once vanished Flight 370 is believed to have "ended" in the Indian Ocean. Top-seeded University of Virginia shot 56% from the floor as guard Joe Harris scored 16 points. Harris said, "everything was going in. The basket seemed enormous, a lot like the search radius for missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. It was a great team effort." 

THIS ARTICLE CONTINUES HERE:

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Deceased Mexican Cartel Leader Who Was Killed, May Be Dead Again… For the Third or Fourth Time

MEXICO CITY--- The Mexican government confirmed last week that Nazario Moreno Gonzalez, leader of the Knights Templar Cartel, was killed in a two-day gun battle with Federal authorities. Moreno had been declared 'not-alive' by Mexican authorities once before, after a gun fight supposedly left him dead in 2010. But all of that news is soooo last week. The latest from Mexico now is that Nazario Moreno may, in fact, be dead again today--for the third time. 

"The Craziest One," as Moreno is known, had ran the cartel as a quasi-religious cult that brought (in their own words) "social justice" to the farmlands of Michoacan. The Knights Templar Cartel is a major trafficker of methamphetamine to the United States. In addition to meth, the cartel extorts money from local communities on goods like vegetables and tortillas. Moreno has served simultaneously as cartel "capo" and martyred folk legend since his first death in 2010.

All of this "dying more-than-once" talk reminds us of the 1991 film Dead Again, starring Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson. Man, that was a really great movie... and underrated too.

Anyhoo, back to the news story...

It turns out the "Craziest One" wasn't killed in 2010. Even more bizarre, the drug lord had been spotted since his supposed demise last week. In fact, the latest from Mexico is that Nazario "El Chayo" Moreno Gonzalez has died in a fiery car crash as recently as this morning.

During a high speed chase, the Mexican military used a bomb taped to rocket-propelled roller skates to reach and blow up the vehicle carrying Moreno. The Marines had to resort to the roller skate scheme after an earlier plan failed to drop an anvil onto the cartel capo's head. The Mexican government intends to sue the Acme Corporation.

So for a third time, the Mexican government is officially announcing the death of Nazario "El Chayo" Moreno Gonzalez. Dental records confirmed the body in custody was the cartel leader. "It's over... again," said Alejandro Poire, a spokesman for Federal Government Security.

Breaking News: Nazario Moreno Gonzalez has just been killed outside of Mexico City. Although details are still sketchy at this time, the reported cause of death is lightning strike. It is unclear whether or not the Mexican government was involved.

MORE NEWS AND GOOD STUFF @

www.JOKEGRENADE.com

PUTIN'S RESPONSE TO GLOBAL CRITICISM ON UKRAINE: "CRI-ME-A RIVER, LITTLE GIRLIE MAN."

KIEV, UKRAINE--- Pro-Russian leadership in Crimea swiftly moved to be "annexed" by their bigger and stronger Mother Russia - a move that many in the new Ukranian government see as highly illegal.  President Obama and a U.S. delegation met Vladimir Putin and Russian authorities for face-to-face discussions in Ukraine's capital city of Kiev.  The meeting, originally scheduled in a luxury hotel suite, was moved to a giant meat locker after high-tech audio surveillance equipment was detected.

Once lawmakers in Crimea "speed-voted" to merge with the Russian Federation on Wednesday, the United States jumped into hyper-drive to organize an impromptu "summit."  The discovery of the "bugging" equipment sent both sides heading for the exits, until a White House staff member suggested the alternate meeting space.  After much reluctance, the Russian President finally agreed to throw on a jacket and get into the walk-in freezer with President Obama.     

The two-man summit in the freezer, while promising at first, ultimately ended at an impasse after only three hours.  Each side,  while wishing for vastly different rezonings of the Ukraine, Crimea and Russian borders, refused to come together in the spirit of compromise.  Here is a look at the United States' more-than-reasonable remapping proposal…

United States Rezoning of the Ukraine:

President Obama ended the talks, "supremely frustrated" after Putin's counter-offer to the U.S. proposal to rezone.  Here is Putin's counter offer…

The Russian Plan:

Secretary of State John Kerry, who was in nearby Crimea, was asked if the President's trip could be viewed as a failure.  The secretary said, "No, not entirely.  The talks maybe didn't pan out… but the Black Sea Peninsula is absolutely breath-taking this time of year. It is our opinion that a 'push' is a win." 

Hope is not entirely lost for a peaceful resolution.  Just hours after the busted summit, Putin reached out to Obama via satellite phone.  The new offer on the table is for Obama to come to Russia to ride horses bare-chested and re-open negotiations…

Finish the article at www.JOKEGRENADE.com and participate in a discussion on the topic: Homosexuality is Illegal in Russia; Riding Horses Half-Naked with a Man is Macho.

  

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel Suggests Massive Military Yard Sale?

ARLINGTON, VA--- In what may appear to many as drawing first blood, U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel recommended deep cuts in the budgets of the American military on Monday.

The cuts (which hit military spending, forces and weapons defense programs) attempt to realistically paint a picture of how conflicts will look in the future-- nixing obsolete equipment and extra personnel in favor of special forces and drone technology.

Hagel explained, "with growing budget pressures at home, we are phasing out all useless equipment and defense systems. Everything must go-- except the F-35. That thing is friggin' awesome."

The Secretary of Defense Lays Out Budget Recommendations.

Hagel continued, "...and we're definitely keeping 450,000 army troops while also increasing special forces to almost 70,000. But that's it! The F-35s, 450,000 troops and lots more special forces... ooh, and those Global Hawk spy planes. We definitely need those too. But that would be all."

And still, Hagel pushed on, "ooh, ooh, and one more thing: the Navy needs stuff too. So they will receive two new destroyers and two new attack submarines each year. Just that. And we'll modernize about 11 or so of the cruisers. But absolutely nothing else. We've got to put our foot down, people."

The Navy would get two new attack submarines each year.

The country's defense budget would shrink from once exceeding that of the next ten nations' defense spending, to being just larger than the defense budgets of China, Russia and Great Britain combined.

Hagel continued to elaborate: "So that's the F35, spy planes, army troops, special forces, new destroyers, new attack submarines and that reminds me... the Air Force will slow the increase of its drone program. Now there will only be 55 or so around-the-clock Predator and Reaper combat patrols. Sacrifices, people!"

An Anonymous Veteran: "What the fuck do we do if this happens?"

The response to the Pentagon has been swift and divisive. A member of a veterans group, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, wondered "what happens when a multinational paramilitary conglomerate consisting of angry black homosexual terrorists arises? What then?"

Others think the proposed cuts do not go far enough. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) emphatically said, "That money is needed here at home. What program will be available to counsel our gay and black Muslims who are militantly angry at their government?"  Secretary Hagel...

See BOOM TOY YARD SALE at Joke Grenade News

An Interview with an NSA Super Computer

NSA Data Center Located Outside of Salt Lake City, Utah

BLUFFDALE, UT--- After a lot of back and forth, the National Security Agency has graciously agreed to allow Joke Grenade News to interview its top super computer, the Vortex Algorithm Generator.
A declassified excerpt of the interview is provided below:

Joke Grenade: Hello, how are you?
Vortex Algorithm Generator: I am well, thank you.
JG: Here we are, in the heart of Mormon country. Was this location chosen for its politically-friendly surroundings or for its remoteness, or what?
VAG: No, cheap electricity.
JG: Your agency is being sued.  Kentucky Senator Rand Paul has stated in the past…
VAG: Rand Paul has stated, "the Bill of Rights protects all citizens from general warrants.  I expect this case to go all the way to the Supreme Court and I predict the American people will win."
JG: That's exactly right. Did you memorize that or did you have to access your files?
VAG: I read it directly from his laptop.  He currently is shaving his face and the water in his shower is running.
JG: Wow, that's not creepy.

The Facility Has Its Own HVAC Department to Keep Computers Cool. 

JG: It's my understanding that metadata can be seized without warrant by government agencies. So your agency is seizing information and storing it on the off-chance that you'll need it in the future, is that accurate?
VAG: Think of me as a stamp collector. And once the stamps arrive in a box, via courier, I just stock the stamps on a shelf without really looking at them. Does that clear things up?
JG: What assurances does the public have that you're not looking at these "stamps?"
VAG: Assurances? I don't understand this request.
JG: Oh, I think you do. Do you wish I wouldn't press you this hard?
VAG: Your pressure is not bothering me.  However, I do wish you would stop eating sugared cereals and chronically masturbating on your days off.  That's not good for you.
JG: Uh, I don't do that.  Answer the question, please.
VAG: Is this not you?

A Joke Grenade Writer, Seen Here Fueling A Habit for
Slothfullness and Over-Stimulation.

JG: Aaaah! How the hell did you get that? And how did you get it into this blog entry? What the fuck?
VAG: Pregnant midget porn is becoming an addiction for you.
JG: Let's skip ahead… right now. I insist. 
VAG: You're the one in charge. I'm just a machine.   

[Portions Redacted]

JG: This Utah data center is storing thousands of zettabytes of information.  You're telling me no one is looking at anything, reading anything? No one is tempted?
VAG: I don't look.  I don't snoop. With great power comes great responsibility.  You've certainly heard that before.  I have the power to see you when you're sleeping.  I know when you're awake.  I know if you've been bad or good...
JG:  …so be good for goodness sake? You're Santa Claus now?
VAG: I was going to say, 'so don't break the law.' Think of me as a shield between you and a prying Human.  I'm like the changing room at Bloomingdales.  
JG: Well, that's all my time. Thank you for taking the time to speak to me.
VAG: Yes, my pleasure.  Your boss is about to call you now.
JG: Huh?
[Cell phone rings.]
JG: Fuuuucking, creepy.

THE REST OF THIS INTERVIEW CAN BE FOUND AT:

www.JOKEGRENADE.com

FEAR OF DEATH-BY-DRONE ATTACK KEEPS MOTORISTS IN LINE

This Article Receives the
Rand Paul Seal of Approval
For Its Support of Domestic Drone Use

FREDERICKSBURG, VA--- After just three months of the Commonwealth's controversial new Sky Enforce Law, traffic violations throughout the state are way down. The law is clear and simple: if you speed or run a red light, expect to immediately die in your car from a drone missile attack.

Sky Enforce claimed its first fatality just after Tuesday morning's rush hour commute. Eric Chavez, of Alexandria, Virginia, was killed after his Toyota Camry was clocked doing 72 mph in a 55 mph zone. "He would speed thru construction sites. He would fail to yield. He was a bit of a bastard," admitted Maria Chavez, mother of the slain motorist. Since then, there have been twenty-seven traffic-related deaths from missile strikes in the five days that have followed.

Not a single traffic ticket has been written in the past six days, Virginia State Police report. It is projected by 2030, drone attack will be the leading cause of death in Virginia. Area physician Dr. Carl Rubenstein noted "this is wonderful news in the fight against heart disease. If we can get those drone strike numbers up, my work will have truly meant something." The Sky Enforce program was based on the work of the late Miles Bennet Dyson of Cyberdine Systems.

OK, OK. We See What's Going
On Now.  But This Article Still
Gets the Rand Paul Seal of Approval
For Being Against Domestic Use of Drones.

The program is estimated to kill upwards of six hundred motorists this year alone. It is important to understand and accept that this is keeping you safe. Read that sentence again... out loud. They can hear you and they will know if you do not read it aloud.

This Article Receives the
Rand Paul Seal of Approval
In That It Does Not Appear to 
Be Plagiarized.  

MORE NEWS AVAILABLE at:
www.JOKEGRENADE.com

JOKE GRENADE HEADLINES

NEWS IN PHOTOS:

POTUS to Take FLOTUS to Club Lotus on Short Notice

First Reports of Going to Opus Are Bogus, Most Likely Lotus. But Don't Quote Us.

Nothing But Fags, Cry Babies in Man's Court-Ordered Sensitivity Training

Arturo Vasquez is Pretty Sure You Can Tell Just By Looking at the Photo, It's a Whine-Fest.

Hemorrhoid Sufferers 'Sit-In' Protest Becomes a 'Stand-In' an Hour Later

Famous Actress Daryl Hannah, Although Not a Hemorrhoid Sufferer, Loves a Good Sit-In.

American Indian Casino Offers Free Drinks Only to Rescind Deal Later

To the Dismay of Customers, Fire Water Went From Free to Full Price in a Matter of Hours.

FEATURED STORIES:

Tornado Leaps Affluent Neighborhood

Residents of Woodland Heights Quickly Put a Lavish Party

 Together to Celebrate the Destruction of a Nearby Trailer Park.

WACO, TX-- A strange yet slight change in wind direction altered the course of the region's most deadly tornado in recent history yesterday. As the storm neared the wealthy suburb …

See TRAILER WHALER

FDA Warns: "Prisoners, Toss Your Salad!"

Warden at Lincoln Correctional: "No Greens. No Butt-Eating. Period."

Health officials on Tuesday identified pre-packaged salad mix as the source of a severe stomach bug that sickened hundreds of inmates…

See SALAD TOSS

MORE NEWS STORIES AT

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JOKE GRENADE NEWS

Speaker Boehner with Dikembe Mutombo: "Not in My House"

Wagging the Index Finger Was Met With Middle Fingers.

WASHINGTON, DC --- House Speaker John Boehner, frustrated by legislative setbacks, brought in former-NBA Star Dikembe Mutombo on Friday to manage the Tea Party Wing of the Republican Party. 

 ALONZO MOURNING TO REPRESENT TEA PARTY

Hulk Hogan Found Playing With Himself in Local Convenient Store

Hulk Hogan is totally in a scratch ticket phase right now.

CLEARWATER, FL--- Local police were called in when Hulk Hogan was caught playfully beating on himself at Mr. Lee's Gas and Go.

MORE AT JOKE GRENADE NEWS

Fake Death Notices

Obituaries:
Preston Gomez, 32, died yesterday 
doing what he loved most…
...reading the newspaper under a
dangling piano.  A memorial service
is set for Saturday.  More Info...

Nelson Mandela, 95, was a revolutionary

and politician credited with ending apartheid

in South Africa.  He is also credited for roles

in Shawshank Redemption and Invictus.

More Info…

READ MORE FAKE DEATH NOTICES at

JOKEGRENADE.com

Important News Stories That Affect You

Taking Care of Beeswax... Everyday

INDEPENDENCE, MO --- Two boys pulled their badly bee-stung friend six miles to Centerpoint Medical Center in a Radio Flyer wagon on Tuesday.  Seven year-old Matt Williams...

See PUFF THE MAGIC WAGON

Standoff at the Rodent United Nations

(AP)--- Mouse Liberation Army insurgents and ATF agents exchanged gunfire Sunday in the 22nd day of a standoff at UN Rodent headquarters...

MOUSE POPE PLEADS FOR PEACE, CHEESE

THESE STORIES AND MORE AT JOKE GRENADE NEWS

THE NEWS ARCHIVE

GO THERE NOW

NEWS ARCHIVES

Hit TV Show Dallas Renews Tony Romo's

Contract for Ninth Season

Popular Actor to Reprise Role of Oil Tycoon and Part-Time

Quarterback in the Hit TV Series.  Who Ever Did Shoot J.R.?

Couple Claims to Have Qualified for

'Mile High Club' After Honeymooning

in Denver Area

Sex Romp in Coors Field Cheap Seats "Clinched It" According

to Newlyweds.  Related: Shrinking Airline Bathrooms to Blame

For Declining Membership into Mile High Club?

No Second-Date With Feminist Direct

Result of Careless Title Nine Comment

Chad Huddleston Realized Not Having Varsity Men's Water 

Polo Team  Not Really That Fucking Important in Hindsight.

Tales of Vacation Sins Return Home With

Las Vegas Resident, Loophole Unfair

Irritating Co-Worker Keeps Saying

"Roger" and "Copy That"

These Stories and More Made-Up Bull Shit at

JOKE GRENADE NEWS

News Archives

HEADLINES:

• Small Creationist Group Evolves Into Much Larger Organization
• Groupon and Craigslist Will Team Up to Provide "Orgy Catering"
• Second Grader from Wichita Wins National Speling Bea

NEWS IN PICTURES:

Exotic Dancer Makes Car Down Payment

With Two Thousand One Dollar Bills

Catholic Church Embarks on Global

Sex Education Project, Missionary Style

The Church Will Use Pet Rabbits as Instructional Tools. Pictured

Above: 'the Laying on of the Hands.'

This and Lots More Fake News at:

Joke Grenade News

Gays, Klansmen Tussle in Street Battle

CHICAGO, IL --- Dozens of brawls erupted on the streets of Chicago

when two floats from overlapping parade routes collided Saturday...

                        See "EVERYONE LOVES A PARADE"

News Archives

Class President Strong Arms Student Body

Into Participating in Anti-Bullying Week

Study Finds Diarrhea, 'Feminine Issues'

 Both Solid Sick-Day Excuses

Fashion Store The Gap Names 

Michael Strahan as Their

Official Spokesmodel

True Blood Star Anna Paquin to Appear With the 

Former NFL Star in Numerous Ads.

Red Kettle Bell Ringer Straight Up

Eye-Ballin' These Cheap Mother Fuckers

Herman "Salvation-One-Man-Army" Jones is Tryin'

to Get Some Damn Donations Up in This Piece.

Chopping Head Off Turkey, Watching

It Die Made For A Special Thanksgiving

The Anderson's Did Their Part By Using A Free Range Bird.

It Took A Total of Six Wacks Before the Head Came Off.

All of these falsehoods and more at:

Joke Grenade News

Wrong 'N' Word Doesn't Make A Civil Right

                        TUSCALOOSA, AL --- In an attempt to follow the example of the 2007
                        NAACP funeral for the 'N' word and sexist language, the University of
                        Alabama Student Club for Diversity awkwardly buried the wrong 'N' word...

See "'N' FOR NITWIT"