PUTIN'S RESPONSE TO GLOBAL CRITICISM ON UKRAINE: "CRI-ME-A RIVER, LITTLE GIRLIE MAN."

KIEV, UKRAINE--- Pro-Russian leadership in Crimea swiftly moved to be "annexed" by their bigger and stronger Mother Russia - a move that many in the new Ukranian government see as highly illegal.  President Obama and a U.S. delegation met Vladimir Putin and Russian authorities for face-to-face discussions in Ukraine's capital city of Kiev.  The meeting, originally scheduled in a luxury hotel suite, was moved to a giant meat locker after high-tech audio surveillance equipment was detected.

Once lawmakers in Crimea "speed-voted" to merge with the Russian Federation on Wednesday, the United States jumped into hyper-drive to organize an impromptu "summit."  The discovery of the "bugging" equipment sent both sides heading for the exits, until a White House staff member suggested the alternate meeting space.  After much reluctance, the Russian President finally agreed to throw on a jacket and get into the walk-in freezer with President Obama.     

The two-man summit in the freezer, while promising at first, ultimately ended at an impasse after only three hours.  Each side,  while wishing for vastly different rezonings of the Ukraine, Crimea and Russian borders, refused to come together in the spirit of compromise.  Here is a look at the United States' more-than-reasonable remapping proposal…

United States Rezoning of the Ukraine:

President Obama ended the talks, "supremely frustrated" after Putin's counter-offer to the U.S. proposal to rezone.  Here is Putin's counter offer…

The Russian Plan:

Secretary of State John Kerry, who was in nearby Crimea, was asked if the President's trip could be viewed as a failure.  The secretary said, "No, not entirely.  The talks maybe didn't pan out… but the Black Sea Peninsula is absolutely breath-taking this time of year. It is our opinion that a 'push' is a win." 

Hope is not entirely lost for a peaceful resolution.  Just hours after the busted summit, Putin reached out to Obama via satellite phone.  The new offer on the table is for Obama to come to Russia to ride horses bare-chested and re-open negotiations…

Finish the article at www.JOKEGRENADE.com and participate in a discussion on the topic: Homosexuality is Illegal in Russia; Riding Horses Half-Naked with a Man is Macho.

  

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America Chooses "Dancing With the Stars"

by David Hancock

American voters circled their wagons around their own and sent a Frenchman packing on "Dancing With The Stars: All-Stars" Tuesday.  They also reelected Barack Obama. 

Barack Obama is voted back into the Oval Office; GOP challenger Mitt Romney
 and Kirstie Alley are sent packing by the American public.  

With the elimination of points laggard Kirstie Alley all but assured, the big question on double-elimination night was who the second unlucky contestant would be to fall short of making the semifinals.  Also, did the electorate think Mitt Romney was a giant douche bag? 

Genial Gilles Marini, the suave French actor who spoke softly but carried a big six-pack, was the first big gun to go as the all-star edition of the show whittles itself down to the final few. It's a big loss of a performer who combined skill, sex appeal and real artistry.  Florida is still counting its presidential ballots, p.s. and by the way.  

As part of the hijinks, the stars also assigned each other weird dances to perform next week to cryptic titles yet to be explained. Here's the zany lineup for next week:

• "Surfer" Flamenco -- Kelly Monaco
• "Caveman" Hustle -- Melissa Rycroft
• "Espionage" Lindy Hop -- Emmitt Smith
• "Big Top" Jazz -- Apolo Ohno
• "Knight Rider" Banghra -- Shawn Johnson