ARLINGTON, VA--- In what may appear to many as drawing first blood, U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel recommended deep cuts in the budgets of the American military on Monday.
The cuts (which hit military spending, forces and weapons defense programs) attempt to realistically paint a picture of how conflicts will look in the future-- nixing obsolete equipment and extra personnel in favor of special forces and drone technology.
Hagel explained, "with growing budget pressures at home, we are phasing out all useless equipment and defense systems. Everything must go-- except the F-35. That thing is friggin' awesome."
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| The Secretary of Defense Lays Out Budget Recommendations. |
Hagel continued, "...and we're definitely keeping 450,000 army troops while also increasing special forces to almost 70,000. But that's it! The F-35s, 450,000 troops and lots more special forces... ooh, and those Global Hawk spy planes. We definitely need those too. But that would be all."
And still, Hagel pushed on, "ooh, ooh, and one more thing: the Navy needs stuff too. So they will receive two new destroyers and two new attack submarines each year. Just that. And we'll modernize about 11 or so of the cruisers. But absolutely nothing else. We've got to put our foot down, people."
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| The Navy would get two new attack submarines each year. |
The country's defense budget would shrink from once exceeding that of the next ten nations' defense spending, to being just larger than the defense budgets of China, Russia and Great Britain combined.
Hagel continued to elaborate: "So that's the F35, spy planes, army troops, special forces, new destroyers, new attack submarines and that reminds me... the Air Force will slow the increase of its drone program. Now there will only be 55 or so around-the-clock Predator and Reaper combat patrols. Sacrifices, people!"
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| An Anonymous Veteran: "What the fuck do we do if this happens?" |
The response to the Pentagon has been swift and divisive. A member of a veterans group, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, wondered "what happens when a multinational paramilitary conglomerate consisting of angry black homosexual terrorists arises? What then?"
Others think the proposed cuts do not go far enough. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) emphatically said, "That money is needed here at home. What program will be available to counsel our gay and black Muslims who are militantly angry at their government?" Secretary Hagel...