NEWS ARCHIVES

Hit TV Show Dallas Renews Tony Romo's

Contract for Ninth Season

Popular Actor to Reprise Role of Oil Tycoon and Part-Time

Quarterback in the Hit TV Series.  Who Ever Did Shoot J.R.?

Couple Claims to Have Qualified for

'Mile High Club' After Honeymooning

in Denver Area

Sex Romp in Coors Field Cheap Seats "Clinched It" According

to Newlyweds.  Related: Shrinking Airline Bathrooms to Blame

For Declining Membership into Mile High Club?

No Second-Date With Feminist Direct

Result of Careless Title Nine Comment

Chad Huddleston Realized Not Having Varsity Men's Water 

Polo Team  Not Really That Fucking Important in Hindsight.

Tales of Vacation Sins Return Home With

Las Vegas Resident, Loophole Unfair

Irritating Co-Worker Keeps Saying

"Roger" and "Copy That"

These Stories and More Made-Up Bull Shit at

JOKE GRENADE NEWS

Gays, Klansmen Tussle in Street Battle

CHICAGO, IL --- Dozens of brawls erupted on the streets of Chicago

when two floats from overlapping parade routes collided Saturday...

                        See "EVERYONE LOVES A PARADE"

Wrong 'N' Word Doesn't Make A Civil Right

                        TUSCALOOSA, AL --- In an attempt to follow the example of the 2007
                        NAACP funeral for the 'N' word and sexist language, the University of
                        Alabama Student Club for Diversity awkwardly buried the wrong 'N' word...

See "'N' FOR NITWIT"

Man Gets Wish of Someday Dying
 in Warm Bed When Meteor Crashes

 into His Bedroom

Makers of Rabbit Sex Toy Take

Two-Prong Approach to 

Marketing Campaign

Congress Saddles Little Guy With the Bill

Nothing But Cry Babies and Fags in Man's

Court-Ordered Sensitivity Training

TSA Screeners to Play Barry White Music

During Routine Pat Downs

News Archives

G-20 Leaders Discuss Weather, 

Best Route to Summit

Greek Economy Taking A

Greek Style Pounding

Man Meets Dateline NBC's

To Catch A Predator Host

Longtime Fan Meets Chris Hansen, Then 

is Abruptly Taken Into Custody.

World's Oldest Boy Rejects 

Mother's Breast Milk

Flock of Seagulls Blamed For

Plane Crash, Shitty Music

NEWS HEADLINES

Astronaut Neil Armstrong Stripped of

His Seven Tour De France Titles

Neil Armstrong will explain his actions on the O Network.

Lance Armstrong Accused of Using Performance-
Enhancing Valve Oil for Trumpet

"I didn't do it," Lance tells Oprah Winfrey in a
tearful interview on the O Network.

Louis Armstrong Becomes the First Black
Trumpeter to Walk on the Moon

Oprah Winfrey to perform a duet with the space-traveling musician.

Senate Torture Hearings
 Excruciatingly Long

U.S. Senators Take an Early Recess to Nap.

Sugar Ray Leonard's Former Olympic Boxing 

Trainer Posthumously Penalized for Below-the-

Belt Contact

Leonard divulges the details of his being
molested in his new autobiography.

Reflecting Pool Gets Vaginally Rejuvenated

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, the darling sweetheart of Washington's attractions, will be reopened to the public by the end of August after a $34 million renovation, the U.S. Interior Department said on Tuesday.

"With this renovation, we have given our beautiful lady Reflecting Pool a much-needed overhaul and brought her engineering into the 21st century. It's like she's getting a brand new vagina," Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said.

The National Park Service will start filling the new 4-million-gallon (15-million-litre) pool on the National Mall this month, the department said in a statement. The process will take three to five days. "That's quite an impressive gash," Salazar awkwardly continued.

The 90-year-old pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial that also reflects the soaring Washington Monument had provided one of the capital's most-photographed views. "It reminds us here at the Interior of having sex. The monument is the penis and the wading pool is the vagina," Salazar explained. 

It also has been the backdrop to some of Washington's most historic events, including the Reverend Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech in 1963. But the reflecting pool, which is about 160 feet wide and 2,100 feet long, had degraded badly over the decades. Salazar added, "in that sense, the pool was not unlike my wife's vagina." 

Because the pool lacked a circulation system, it had to be emptied, cleaned and refilled twice a year. It was shut in November 2010 for renovation.  The revamped pool uses the nearby Tidal Basin as its main water source. The water will be treated and circulated back into the pool.

According to the report, the pool will be more shallow and aesthetically pleasing. Ken Salazar concluded, "it will pretty much be the exact opposite of my wife's vagina."

Ken Salazar gives two thumbs up to fixin'  our Nation's lady parts.

(Reporting by Ian Simpson; Editing by Vicki Allen; obnoxiously reworded by Joke Grenade)

Profiles of Hatred: Jeb Miller

The Vinclair Group, an imaginary consulting firm that rates the Nation's top hate organizations, released its annual report on "Racists in America" today. In it, Jeb Miller of Seminary, Mississippi was named the "Best White Supremacist in America." Miller is the leader of the White Power Rangers. 

Jeb Miller was voted "Best White 

Supremacist in America."

The criteria was based on best hate speech, best Neo-Nazi poetry and an overall lack of understanding of how a modern society functions.  It is believed Miller won hands down due to the overwhelmingly positive response to his self-published manifesto. Harold Coburn, the White Power Rangers' second-in-command, is proud of Miller's recognition: "It's an honor for the movement that its leader was named America's Best Racist of America."

Said Miller of Coburn's praises: "Harold is a good white man and a true Power Ranger. He married my sister and he's also my brother..." (full disclosure: we're not exactly sure what that last statement means).

It has been frequently said that Jeb Miller is the hate monger with a heart of gold. Ballsdeep Singh was accosted by Miller earlier this month. "He put a gun in my face and said 'this is for killing Jesus, you rat fink.'  Then he just let me go," explained a perplexed Ballsdeep. "I'm not entirely sure if I was even victimized or not." 

 Ballsdeep Singh: "I don't think that man is

particularly good at being a white supremacist."

The Vinclair Group will give a sizable donation to the National Rifle Association in Jeb Miller's name. "I would've been happy with a case of Natural Light. But to help out a worthy organization like the NRA is a true honor. Long live the White National Socialists and stuff like that," Miller exclaimed.  

 White Power Rangers don't serve 

your kind, you Yellow bastard!

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Corrections and Redactions

CIA To Be More Involved In Semen?

Apologies are in order to Joke Grenade readers and a correction to a gross factual error in our reporting is highly overdue.  Last week, Joke Grenade incorrectly printed the headline: CIA To Be More Involved in Semen. The article's title was actually supposed to read CIA To Be More Involved in Yemen.

Pictured: a market place in Yemen.  Had this

been a market place in Semen, these people 

would be trading goods inside a giant ball sack.

Joke Grenade officially and most sincerely apologizes for any confusion our careless reporting may have caused our loyal readers.